09 January 2015

and so it begins

I don't really know how to start this post.
It's been in my draft section for a few weeks, sitting there, simmering and stewing, always on the back of my mind.

After discussing it with Scott, I just felt a need to finally get it out.  - And well, I really don't believe anyone reads this thing anyways (besides family), so who cares -
I've always used this as a creative and emotional outlet. I might as well use it for the reason I created it.

Now. Honest talk.

Yesterday, Scott and I went to a doctor, and officially began our process through infertility.

For over a year now, we have been trying to have children. Growing up, I always heard jokes about how easily my mom got pregnant (read: I was a mistake hah).  I always thought that would be me, and I'd end up worrying over an accidental pregnancy. Now having found that I cannot get pregnant quite as easily has completely changed my outlook and plans. I still kind of can't believe it - just typing out "infertility" in the same sentence as our names makes things that much more real.

There was so much excitement and nervousness when I stopped birth control. However, as the months passed, and friends got pregnant, and then gave birth, I continually grew more anxious. Some months, I would convince myself I was having pregnancy symptoms (bad idea), only to follow with heartbreak (and a whole lot of stupid cramps). Eventually, I went from that initial excitement to believing it would never happen.

Although it was super overwhelming, going to this appointment gave me more hope.

Now, I'm not redefining myself or my blog because of my infertility. But it is a significant factor in my life, and I want to document this journey the best I can. I don't know many people who've done this. I don't know what I'm in for. And I have no clue what to expect.

I have felt very alone through these months (granted, I kept it to myself, hoping to get pregnant and still surprise others).  And I'm always surprised when I find out that a family member, or acquaintance has struggled with infertility.

So here's me, being open and real, sharing my experience for others.

1 comment:

  1. you are a strong, beautiful woman. i had no idea you were going through this. daniel and i were talking about you and scott today at lunch. we cherish your friendship and think of you often. you and your future babies are in our prayers. keep the faith, beauty.

    so much love.