16 April 2015

on not caring.


I don't think I've ever felt so apathetic in my life as I do right now. While pondering during the one hour of church where I am not around screaming children (nursery, people- it's where baby hunger goes to die) I was finally able to put a name to my feelings of the past 3 months.

I used to get devastated with every baby announcement on Facebook, I felt jealousy towards pregnant women, and would sob after every failed cycle, knowing I should be holding my own baby.
I got renewed hope and happiness after seeing the specialist, which quickly crashed down we were found out having kids didn't quite fit in line with what our bodies where thinking. And now I've realized all that mess of hurt feelings have melted into apathy. Apathy towards ever having children, towards fertility treatments, and towards everyone's pitying looks.

Apathy has become my coping mechanism. It's been my way to find and express true excitement for my friends and family members who are expecting. It's my way to deal with our mindless rhythm of life, which is completely different than where I imagined I'd be. Being apathetic has kept me sane, has made me happier towards others, and has saved me from monthly heartbreak.

But yet, even though it's been my shield against those feelings, I'm also finding that it's allowing me to settle into a comfortable little family of 2. I'm finding little ability to care about continuing. And that scares me more than anything else. I don't want to have the stinging feelings of infertility, but I also need those little bites of emotion to keep me going.

The truth is, I do care. I care an awful lot. But it's buried so deep inside right now. And although I feel overwhelmingly apathetic right now, I know it will all start crumbling down into that raw emotion that reminds me what I am truly passionate about.

2 comments:

  1. :( Wish I could give you a hug right now!

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  2. Ah, nursery. When Jord and I were first in the 17th Ward they put us in nursery. I was convinced that we were in there to prepare us for kids as that was when we first went off birth control. Ha, that was a good joke! Thanks for posting so much about your journey. I always am curious about couples individual struggles and how they cope. I definitely relate to a lot of your feelings. By the way, puppies make for a good distraction.

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