30 September 2015

recent pregnancy musings

I often get asked if I'm scared to have to deal with two newborns. Maybe I haven't really thought about it, or maybe I'm just really naive (probably a bit of both), but I'm not scared. I'm actually really excited to get them here and to start this whole baby business. Logistically speaking I'm nervous to have to go out in public and risk having them completely have a melt down and I don't know how to fix it. I guess that kind of scares me. 

You want to know what actually terrifies me? The lack of sleep I'm going to get. I need sleep. I am a sleeping machine. I make Scott jealous with how well I sleep. I enjoy sleeping in and napping and hitting the snooze button. Basically I love sleep, and when there is a shortage of that, it gets ugly fast. If I'm grumpy, Scott sends me to take a nap; he just knows that sleep is an incredibly important factor for me to function like a normal person.  Having these babies, and realizing I'll be up at all hours of the night completely terrifies me. I'll be a walking, grumpy, sassy zombie. I seriously believe I will turn evil, and I'm so worried for Scott (and anyone else who comes to visit).
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Body image is one thing I never thought I'd have such a hard time with (post-teenage years/during pregnancy). It's been quite a struggle some days to look in the mirror and see how my body is changing.  And guess what, it's actually kind of scary to see the scale go up every month. It's weird, it's sometimes gross, and it doesn't help to judge and compare your body with the pregnant girl's body next to you. 

I've had people tell me I'm too small and I need to eat more. But within the same day, I've also had random strangers yell (in public) that I'm huge and ginormous. It's amazing to me how different people's reactions are to my body shape (since when is it ever okay to react to someone's body?). You don't really have control over your pregnant body. Yes, you can limit the tubs of ice cream and stacks of cheeseburgers you eat, but there's no way to make yourself look like that pregnant goddess you've always wanted to be. Everyone carries differently. 

All I know, is that I have vowed to not comment on the size or shape of someone else's pregnant body - and no matter how gross I think these changes are, I still think my baby belly and it's changes are quite a beautiful miracle.  

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I think the hardest thing about this pregnancy has been trying to reconcile what I imagined this to all look like, and what it's actually turning out to be. I imagined painting and setting up a nursery. I imagined being surrounded by girlfriends, giving me good advice for being a first time mom and helping me during those emotional first weeks with newborns. I imagined bringing home my babies to our own little apartment, where things are a little small and simple for our growing family, but just perfect because it's ours. 

Instead we live in a city where I hate going outside because I feel like I will melt, and we live in a house that isn't really "ours". I don't have a circle of girlfriends and my mom is far away. We don't have a nursery set up and any decorations we might have are boxed up in the garage.  I'm not trying to complain, it's the life we've chosen and we've decided to stay in Scott's parent's house for now. Even though it's not what I imagined, I'm still happy to have these little babies and to have a space to put them in.

And honestly, they will be our people, and we will be their's. 
And what's better than that?

1 comment:

  1. You are beautiful, pregnant or not :) And the sleep thing, I'll tell you what my oldest sister, a mother of 4, told me when I asked how she functioned on less sleep: you just do it. You adjust. Keep them in your room/bed and you'll get more sleep :) Can't wait to meet them!!