You want to know what actually terrifies me? The lack of sleep I'm going to get. I need sleep. I am a sleeping machine. I make Scott jealous with how well I sleep. I enjoy sleeping in and napping and hitting the snooze button. Basically I love sleep, and when there is a shortage of that, it gets ugly fast. If I'm grumpy, Scott sends me to take a nap; he just knows that sleep is an incredibly important factor for me to function like a normal person. Having these babies, and realizing I'll be up at all hours of the night completely terrifies me. I'll be a walking, grumpy, sassy zombie. I seriously believe I will turn evil, and I'm so worried for Scott (and anyone else who comes to visit).
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I've had people tell me I'm too small and I need to eat more. But within the same day, I've also had random strangers yell (in public) that I'm huge and ginormous. It's amazing to me how different people's reactions are to my body shape (since when is it ever okay to react to someone's body?). You don't really have control over your pregnant body. Yes, you can limit the tubs of ice cream and stacks of cheeseburgers you eat, but there's no way to make yourself look like that pregnant goddess you've always wanted to be. Everyone carries differently.
All I know, is that I have vowed to not comment on the size or shape of someone else's pregnant body - and no matter how gross I think these changes are, I still think my baby belly and it's changes are quite a beautiful miracle.
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Instead we live in a city where I hate going outside because I feel like I will melt, and we live in a house that isn't really "ours". I don't have a circle of girlfriends and my mom is far away. We don't have a nursery set up and any decorations we might have are boxed up in the garage. I'm not trying to complain, it's the life we've chosen and we've decided to stay in Scott's parent's house for now. Even though it's not what I imagined, I'm still happy to have these little babies and to have a space to put them in.
And honestly, they will be our people, and we will be their's.
And what's better than that?