20 September 2015

standing in the grey

I really don't know how to put it into words, so this post will probably seem a little like gibberish.

Because of infertility, I had to learn how to stay hopeful, yet how to not crumble over every test or procedure. It was a fine line I was playing with my emotions - be super positive and excited, but don't you dare think it's going to happen anytime soon. I had no idea, however, that I'd still be playing with a similar emotional fine line when becoming pregnant.

Now I feel like I'm in a weird limbo between infertility and motherhood.
When I did get pregnant, everything seemed pretty crazy - I half believed I was in a dream and that all of it would be a big joke. As my stomach began to grow, I then began to convince myself that it was just me gaining unnecessary weight; there was no way there was a baby (or two) in there.

Beyond these (ridiculous) battles I was having in my head, I found that I was getting defensive in lessons or talks that focus on how motherhood/pregnancy is a woman's defining characteristic, and yet, I would feel guilty when I try and read stories about the beauty of motherhood.

Through infertility (and lots of breaking down), I came to the point where I didn't think it was fair, and found it hurtful to say that a woman is defined by and important because of her ability to create life - especially when I felt very excluded from that special power.  I began to find other ways to define myself and help myself to grow as an individual and woman that didn't revolve around getting pregnant and having your own children.

Now that I've overcome infertility with this pregnancy, it's hard to suddenly be so immersed in this creative process. I'm constantly amazed with what my body can do, and I'm so grateful I get to be a part of it, but sometimes I feel so guilty for the fact that I got pregnant (and so easily compared to some). It's a conflicting feeling between relishing in this miracle pregnancy, and yet trying to not always talk about it in front of other people. I want to be sensitive to both sides and not only talk or post about pregnancy/babies/etc, but yet, that is a significant thing in my life right now. And even though I really do believe that being a mom is one of the greatest things I will ever do in my life, it makes me ache for those that don't have that opportunity in this life.

I'm in a grey area, and don't know where to go.

As the days and months go on, as my pregnancy progresses and my belly grows, and this whole process becomes more real, I'm finding that I don't want to cheat myself out of the inspiring lessons and words about motherhood because of these guilty feelings. Yes, sometimes a few statements sting a special part of my heart - but I'm slowly learning that this unique fine line is something that will bring more depth and understanding to my life as a mother who overcame infertility.


  1. Beautiful! It's like The Gift of Giving Life teaches, we are mothers forever before this life and forever after. But that doesn't make infertility easier now.

  2. I totally get this. I'm hoping I can find balance.