12 April 2016

the first months

The past four months have been some of the hardest of my life.
Recovery from surgery was rough and adjusting to life with twin babies has been exhausting.
I've been hesitant to post this because of the fact that I prayed and hoped for a baby for so long. I feel so guilty for not completely enjoying motherhood. but this is honest and real and important to record.

+The 2 weeks following their birth were hard.  Looking back, I think everything was much more traumatic than I realized. It was all very sudden, and it was my first time needing to be in a hospital (for surgery nonetheless). Obviously my hormones and emotions were all over the place and trying to deal with a broken body was no fun (i.e. living in fear of sneezing hah). I did find out that I had developed a hematoma under my incision, which called for two dr. appointments per week to get it drained. Lovely.

+ Being wheeled out of the hospital, and stepping into a car with empty car seats was heartbreaking. Not to mention, I was at 4 days PP and my milk had still not come in. Everything felt wrong.

+ Speaking of milk coming in - I got plenty of people telling me about the lack of sleep, the lack of showers, and the painful recovery. But NO ONE told me about engorgement. NO ONE. and I even took a breastfeeding class. It was painful and it was a mess. Not to mention, I was told by a Lactation Consultant that if I didn't have my baby feed often at the breast, that I could get mastitis. Thanks, I only have access to a pump as my babies are currently in the hospital... cue emotional breakdown.

+In a previous post I mentioned that the thing I was most scared about was the lack of sleep. Oh I had no idea what was coming for me. I knew babies ate around the clock - but for some reason I didn't think about what that actually meant. I didn't understand that I'd have to sleep in tiny increments for weeks at a time. No one can prepare you for how tired you will be. At the same time, who knew the body could actually survive off of so little sleep?

+Here's a bit more honesty than I'm normally willing to share - - I'm still trying to recover and adjust, both emotionally and physically. Physically, having a baby just does a number on your body. A very wise friend of mine reminded me that it takes 9 months to get your body to stretch and carry that baby (or babies), and its going to take at least 9 months for you to feel like it's back to full functioning power again. I still hate my scar, my messed up/stretch mark covered boobs make me cringe, and my core is completely wasted, but it's all a work in progress, and I'm learning to love my body again.
    Emotionally I was a wreck up until a couple weeks ago. Very soon after having the twins I began to have anxiety attacks over the dumbest things. I was anxious for Scott to go back to work, anxious to be alone, anxious to be away from the babies, anxious to have anyone else around the babies. I had a hard time bonding with the twins and legitimately believed my life was awful and would never get better. Getting out of bed in the morning was so hard - I dreaded each day. I constantly felt like screaming out that my life wasn't normal.  After dealing with this for months, and having it get worse and worse, I finally talked to my OB and we worked through some different options. I'm now on medication and can honestly say it was the best decision for me. Days are still hard, but I no longer dread getting up. I don't feel weepy all the time and I sincerely love and am excited to see my babies. I've taken a complete 180 and it feels so much better.

+That being said, having children makes you so vulnerable and breaks you down to your very core. Yet, we're expected to put on a mask, and act like we have it all together. I've found that women truly need each other during this time - to bring each other up, and instill confidence in one another when we feel our weakest. We focus so much on this sweet baby, when we need to stop and take a moment to look into that exhausted mother's eyes, and just let her cry on your shoulder.
+The weeks and months have rocked my world in more ways than one. I never expected birth/recovery to look the way that it did, but I love looking back and see the progress I've made. I've learned so much about myself and feel like I finally have a semi-grasp on life. Birth just does a number to you all around. It's amazing we survive.

1 comment:

  1. I'm reading this while feeding my babe. So. Many. Feedings. My aunt told me and an expectant friend who was due 4 weeks after me that she would be in better shape than me when she came home than I would be at that point. Now as I'm nearing week 4 I am realizing how right she was. The novelty has worn off. I'm exhausted in every way. I want me time and to feel like my old self. You feel selfish admitting things like that as a new mom- especially if you've dealt with infertility and hoped and prayed for this new life. Thanks for sharing your experience. It makes me feel a little more sane. Love to you and your littles!